mrt part 2: itlog at iba pang kwento

lunes ng umaga, rush hour at tulad ng dati, hindi pa rin masingitang-karayom ang pagkakadikit-dikit ng mga tao sa loob ng tren. isa ulit ako sa mga pilit na nakikipagsiksikan sa mga pasaherong naghahabol din ng oras sa trabaho.

out of nowhere, nagsalita bigla si manong na parang construction worker na nasa harapan ko lang.

manong: brod, taas mo ng konti yung bag mo, ang init e.

ako: (dedmatology)

manong: 'brod, yung bag mo kako. mainit.

ako: (medyo nagulat) ako ho ba ang kausap nyo? (sabay silip sa clutch bag na hawak ko)

manong: oo. yung bag mo, mainit. ano bang laman nyan? mapipisa itlog ko sa 'yo e.

wattaf*ck! naalala ko ang pinabaong tanghalian ni mamita sa 'kin. dali-dali kong itinaas ang hawak kong bag at humingi ng paumanhin kay manong.

ako: naku, sorry ho. 'sensya na. (compose pa rin ako pero sa totoo lang, napahiya na ko ng konti.)

lalakeng katabi nung manong (parang construction worker din): baka naluto na yang itlog mo pare. ambaho na e.

manong: gago.

tawanan ang mga nakarinig na pasahero. at tuluyan na nga akong binalot ng kahihiyan na para bang gusto ko ng sumigaw ng "para, bababa na ko!!!"

tanghalian. kinakain ko na yung baon ko nang umepal si officemate, "ang sarap ng itlog!" na-imagine ko si manong at ang naluto n'yang betlog. nawalan ako ng gana. badtrip.

---

segue: interbyu

nang mag-apply ako sa meralco

interviewer: bakit gusto mong magtrabaho sa isang kumpanya na pinararatangan ng mga tao na sobra-sobra kung maningil ng kuryente?

ako: bakit, hindi ba?

interviewer: (tumulo ang sipon)

---

ako naman ang interviewer dito. ang iniinterview ko, isang 19-year old na babae na nag-aapply bilang production crew.

ako: good morning.

aplikante: gud morning din, sir. (uy, ang lambing)

ako: sinong nag-refer sa 'yo dito? (habang hinahanap sa bio-data ang pangalan ng nag-refer sa kanya)

aplikante: .... (ang tagal sumagot)

ako: ... (napansin ko na matagal sumagot yung aplikante. ni-rephrase ko yung tanong) may nag-refer ba sa 'yo dito?

aplikante: ... ano po yung repeyr?

ako: (nosebleed)

---

ako ulit ang nag-iinterview. ang interviewee, isang college graduate. (di ko lang maalala yung position na ina-applyan)

ako: good morning, sir. (tapos nagpakilala ako)

aplikante: good morning too, sir.

ako: so, how do you want me to call you?

aplikante: nandyan po yung cellphone number ko. (sabay turo sa hawak kong resume)

ako: (nawala ako ng konti sa huwisyo) no, sir. i mean paano nyo po gustong tawagin ko kayo?

aplikante: (ang bilis sumagot) ah, nandyan na din po yung landline ko.

ako: (tuluyan ng nawala sa tamang katinuan)

---

ako: tell me, anong katangian ang meron ka na wala sa ibang aplikante?

aplikante (ito din yung 19-year old na babae na nag-aapply as production crew): asset po ba?

ako: parang ganun na nga.

aplikante: hindi po ba obvious? (habang mas iniliyad pa ng maigi ang dibdib)

ako: (naglaway. ahahahaha)

isang tasang pansit canton

halagang siyam na piso,
may mapagsasaluhan na tayo.
pakukuluan, saka hahanguin,
pagkatapos ihahain.
naghihintay
limang bungangang bubusugin
aamuyin sabay dampot ng kanin
uunti-untiin nang lahat makakain
kung di pa sapat...
lumagok ng dalawang basong tubig,
pasalamat ka't didighay ka rin.

gitara

four years ago...

hindi ko alam kung anong pumasok sa kukote ko noon at naisipan kong mag-aral tumugtog ng gitara. ang gusto ko lang naman talaga e mapalapit sa’yo. sabi mo kasi okay sa'yo yung mga marunong tumugtog ng gitara. kaya ayun, kahit wala akong hilig sa musika pinilit ko pa ring matuto para sa’yo.

after ilang months natuto din ako. pinag-aralan kong tugtugin yung mga favorite songs mo. nung isang beses nga na nag-jamming tayo, ako yung naggi-gitara tapos ikaw yung kumakanta. at anak ng tinola... sumablay ako! nakalimutan ko yung susunod na kwerdas dahil sa sobrang kaba.

bigla mong hinawakan ang kamay ko at tinulungan akong itipa yung susunod na chord. hindi na ako nakapagsalita at napatungo na lamang sa sobrang kahihiyan. pero kahit napahiya ako sa'yo masaya pa rin ako. yun kasi ang unang pagkakataon na hinawakan mo ang kamay ko.

kapag break time madalas tayong nagkikita sa utmt sa loob ng university. doon ka madalas nagpapalipas ng oras noon kasama ang mga kaibigan mo. pagkatapos kong kumain, doon na rin agad ako dumidiretso. nakikitambay pero hindi naman tayo nagkikibuan. nakakatawa pero kahit hindi mo ako kinakausap, kuntento na ako na mapagmasdan ka habang kumakanta kasabay ng romantikong musika ng iyong gitara.

noon, naisip ko na sana ako na lang ang naging gitara. madalas mong kasama, madalas mong ka-jamming, at madalas mong nabibigyan ng atensyon at pag-aalaga.

happy ending pa rin naman kahit hindi naging tayo. next month ikakasal ka na. at masaya ako para sa'yo. magkakaron ka na ng sarili mong pamilya. at tulad din ng sinabi sa commercial ng mcdo, anu't ano pa man, ikaw pa rin ang first love ko.

hindi man ako ang naging iyong gitara, para sa kin ikaw pa rin ang aking matamis na musika.

Interesting Conversation

An Atheist Professor of Philosophy speaks to his class on the problem science has with GOD, the ALMIGHTY.

He asks one of his new Christian students to stand and...

Professor : You are a Christian, aren't you, son?
Student : Yes, sir.
Professor : So you believe in GOD?
Student : Absolutely, sir.
Professor : Is GOD good?
Student : Sure.
Professor : Is GOD ALL-POWERFUL?
Student : Yes.
Professor : My brother died of cancer even though he prayed to GOD to heal him. Most of us would attempt to help others who are ill. But GOD didn't. How is this GOD good then? Hmm?

(Student is silent.)

Professor : You can't answer, can you? Let's start again, young fella. Is GOD good?
Student : Yes.
Professor : Is Satan good?
Student : No.
Professor : Where does Satan come from?
Student : From... GOD...
Professor : That's right. Tell me son, is there evil in this World?
Student : Yes.
Professor : Evil is everywhere, isn't it ? And GOD did make everything. Correct?
Student : Yes.
Professor : So who created evil?

(Student does not answer.)

Professor : Is there Sickness? Immorality? Hatred? Ugliness? All these terrible things exist in the World, don't they?
Student : Yes, sir.
Professor : So, who created them?

(Student has no answer.)

Professor : Science says you have five senses you use to identify and observe the world around you. Tell me, son... Have you ever seen GOD?
Student : No, sir.
Professor : Tell us if you have ever heard your GOD?
Student : No , sir.
Professor : Have you ever felt your GOD, tasted your GOD, smelt your GOD? Have you ever had any sensory perception of GOD for that matter?
Student : No, sir. I'm afraid I haven't.
Professor : Yet you still believe in HIM?
Student : Yes.
Professor : According to Empirical, Testable, Demonstrable Protocol, Science says your GOD doesn't exist. What do you say to that, son?
Student : Nothing. I only have my Faith.
Professor : Yes, Faith. And that is the problem science has.
Student : Professor, is there such a thing as Heat?
Professor : Yes.
Student : And is there such a thing as Cold?
Professor : Yes.
Student : No sir. There isn't.

(The Lecture Theatre becomes very quiet with this turn of events.)

Student : Sir, you can have Lots of Heat, even More Heat, Superheat, Mega Heat, White Heat,
a Little Heat or No Heat. But we don't have anything called Cold. We can hit 458 Degrees below Zero which is No Heat, but we can't go any further after that. There is no such thing as Cold. Cold is only a word we use to describe the absence of Heat. We cannot measure Cold. Heat is energy. Cold is not the opposite of Heat, sir, just the absence of it.

(There is Pin-Drop Silence in the Lecture Theater.)

Student : What about Darkness, Professor? Is there such a thing as Darkness?
Professor : Yes. What is Night if there isn't Darkness?
Student : You're wrong again, sir. Darkness is the Absence of Something. You can have Low Light, Normal Light, Bright Light, Flashing Light... But if you have No Light constantly, you have nothing and it's called Darkness, isn't it? In reality, Darkness isn't. If it is, were you would be able to make Darkness Darker, wouldn't you?
Professor : So what is the point you are making, young man?
Student : Sir, my point is your philosophical premise is flawed.
Professor : Flawed? Can you explain how?
Student : Sir, you are working on the Premise of Duality. You argue there is Life and then there is Death, a Good GOD and a Bad GOD. You are viewing the concept of GOD as something finite, something we can measure. Sir, Science can't even explain a Thought. It uses Electricity and Magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully understood either one. To view Death as the Opposite of Life is to be ignorant of the fact that Death cannot exist as a Substantive Thing. Death is Not the Opposite of Life: just the Absence of it. Now tell me, Professor, do you teach your students that they evolved from a monkey?
Professor : If you are referring to the Natural Evolutionary Process, yes, of course, I do.
Student : Have you ever observed Evolution with your own eyes, sir?

(The Professor shakes his head with a smile, beginning to realize where the argument is going.)

Student : Since no one has ever observed the Process of Evolution at work and cannot even prove that this process is an on-going endeavor, are you not teaching your opinion, sir? Are you not a scientist but a preacher?

(The class is in uproar.)

Student : Is there anyone in the class who has ever seen the Professor's brain?

(The class breaks out into laughter.)

Student : Is there anyone here who has ever heard the Professor's brain, felt it, touched or smelt it? No one appears to have done so. So, according to the Established Rules of Empirical, Stable, Demonstrable Protocol, Science says that you have no brain, sir. With all due respect, sir, how do we then trust your lectures, sir?

(The room is silent. The Professor stares at the student, his face unfathomable.)

Professor : I guess you'll have to take them on Faith, son.
Student : That is it sir... The Link between Man & GOD is FAITH. That is all that keeps things moving and alive.

It turned out later that the student is Albert Einstein.

ang taga-silbing gumigiling

pa-simple ko syang pinagmasdan habang inaayos ang tape recorder. makinis, tsinita, balingkinitan ang katawan, at may katangkaran para sa isang babae. ni walang bakas ng pag-aalinlangan o kaba sa mukha niya.

"tumatakbo ang metro ko. magtititigan lang ba tayo dito?"

tumango ako at nagsimula na nga ang kwento.

wala akong kinagisnang magulang. namatay daw si inay sa panganganak sa akin. hindi ko din kilala ang tatay ko. iniwan nya kami nung magda-dalwang buwan pa lang ako sa sinapupunan ng aking ina.

lumaki ako sa ampunan matapos akong isilang, pero tumakas din ako nung ako'y anim na taong gulang na. nagpalaboy-laboy sa kalye hanggang sa makilala ko si manong, ang matandang may-ari ng isang malaking tindahan ng tinapay sa recto.

sa edad na pito, nagbenta ako ng dyaryo, yosi, at kendi sa avenida. dahil sa isang programa ng gobyerno para sa mga katulad kong palaboy, nakapag-aral ako ng elementarya sa isang pampublikong paaralan. nag-aaral sa umaga, nagtratrabaho sa hapon at gabi.

nakatapos ako sa tulong din ni manong. binibigyan nya 'ko ng pera kapalit ng serbisyong ibinibigay ko sa kanya sa kanyang tindahan, ang pera na siyang ginamit ko para makapag-patuloy ng pag-aaral.

disa-sais anyos ako noon at gagradweyt na sa hayskul nang maaksidente si manong. nasagasaan sya ng isang kotse na pag-aari daw ng isang pamilyang intsik. namatay si manong makaraan ang ilang araw na pagka-coma sa ospital.

ang kamatayan ng nag-iisang taong tumutulong sa akin ay naging kahulugan din ng kamatayan ng aking pangarap na makapagtapos. nahinto ako sa pag-aaral at nawalan ng trabaho nang ibenta ng mga anak ni manong ang tindahan. bumalik ako sa pagiging palaboy.

hindi ko alam kung ang pangyayaring ito ba'y hulog ng langit o isang kamalasan.

hindi ako nakapagtapos ng hayskul at naging isang taga-silbi ng pagkain sa isang club sa ermita. ito ang naging trabaho ko sa loob ng isang buwan sa club na iyon. dito ko nakilala si cindy, ang babaeng puta. halos pareho kami ng talambuhay - walang magulang, sa lansangan ginasta ang pagkabata, at ginamit ng mga taong hayok sa laman kapalit ang kapirasong tulong para sa ikatutupad ng aming pangarap – mga taong katulad ni manong.

nang makilala ko si cindy, alam ko na hindi lamang sa talambuhay kami magkakapareho.

bente anyos na ako ngayon at nagtratrabaho pa din sa club sa ermita, ngunit hindi na bilang isang taga-silbi ng pagkain kundi bilang taga-silbi ng panandaliang aliw, taga-silbi ng buhay na laman.

ni hindi ko na mabilang kung ilang lalaki na ang napagsilbihan ko. pareho na nga kami ni cindy, isa na rin akong puta. isang puta na nabubuhay sa ilaw ng mga bumbilya sa club. isang puta na nakalimutan na kung paano mangarap.

ako si nena, mas kilala bilang ang taga-silbing gumigiling.

it's a small world after all

hindi naging maganda ang paghihiwalay namin ni ex. kung sa bagay, kelan nga naman ba gumanda ang istorya ng hiwalayan?

maganda si ex. sexy. campus figure nung college days. at one of the faces-to-look-at-everyday sa company kung saan ko sya nakilala. in short, gf material. naging kami for eight months. matapos yan ng isang taong pagliligawan. 'langya, mas matagal ko pa syang sinuyo kesa sa panahong naging kami.

masasabi kong hindi ordinaryong babae si ex. hiwalay na ang mga magulang nya. ang daddy nya may bago ng pamilya. samantalang ang mommy nya naman nasa ibang bansa, nagta-trabaho. kaya bilang panganay sa kanilang apat na magkakapatid, sya ang ate, tatay at nanay sa kanila.

maraming ups and downs nang maging kami. nandyan ang mga moments ng lambingan tapos awayan, at hindi mabilang na suyuan pagkatapos ng dedmahan. parang roller coaster ride. pero masasabi kong pareho kaming masaya. "weird," ika nga ni jo.

kung gaano karaming beses na nasabi ko sa kanyang "i'm sorry. i am not a perfect boyfriend. but i'm trying to be." ganun din karaming beses syang sumagot ng "please don't. because i am not a perfect girlfriend either."

things never went complicated between the two of us. pero sabi nga, if things cannot go wrong, then it will go badly.

one day, we had an argument. ayoko ng gusto nya at gusto nya ng ayoko. a week passed and we both kept our false tranquility. it was just a simple misunderstanding. well, at least for me. our friends say it's vanity. and i realized it was. but the realization was too late.

most women, are by nature, weak. kelangan nya daw ng kausap that time. someone to cry on. someone to soothe her, console her. and so one of the devil's apostles ascended from hell to do the job.

she went out with her sick-fuckin'-shit, tight-ass, shoulder-rubber boss. (of course i'm not overdressing the description. *sigh* it's a known fact in the company na lahat ng mga naging staff nun, dumaan sa mga kamay nya.) akala ko iba si ex. the boss was 42, married (pero hiwalay sa asawa) at may tatlong anak. yung panganay was already at college. pero sabi nga, ang lalaking matulis, mananatiling matulis. fuck. and so they went out together. and they made out.

i am not stupid to not know. at hindi rin ako bato para hindi makaramdam ng kahit ano. as in tang'na. tumagos sa buto. low blow eh. i quit my job kahit na alam kong i'll be losing a lot in that decision. (i am already at the losing end in any way, so why bother?)

we talked of course before we parted. she plead her guilt. and i rest my case. she said sorry. i turned my back and walked away. i told you i am not stupid. i never asked her why.

more than a year had passed. i found a new job and never heard anything from her since then. but i had been receiving messages from some friends and former officemates. nakikiusyoso. yung iba nakikiramay. hahaha. they'd been seeing my ex and her boss going out. "perhaps they really love each other. let's give them the repose they both deserve," was always my invariable response.

more than a year had passed. maraming nangyari. maraming nagbago. pero sabi nga sa isang kanta, "our roads are gonna cross again... somewhere down the road..." God, indeed, likes to watch. Sometimes, it makes me wonder if He really is a prankster.

december 27, 2008. i was in a resort in batangas and enjoying the year-end vacation. i was about to have my dinner in one of the grills there when i saw her.

of course, i couldn't believe at first. i thought someone's playing another practical joke on me. but it was really her. she was alone, sipping a tea and enjoying herself with a plate of baklava. that was her favorite. she never really changed.

i realized it wasn't a joke by any means. just small world.

my eyes told me she's still pretty and her form did not change a bit. i approached her and, as expected, she was surprised taken aback to see me. her face turned pale as if a vampire just sucked all her blood.

i said hi. a fair, plain greeting to start out a conversation with an ex-lover. hehe. we shared table and so everything went on. kamustahan. kwentuhan. but we never talked about us. the encounter was formal and sometimes blank, yet ironically, in some ways soothing.

we slept together and that night wasn't futile nor prosaic. she asked me if i missed her. i said never, not a single time. she just leaned over and smiled.

they say all women are weak, vulnerable. if not, at least she is.

parang kayo, pero hindi

SHy asked me yesterday to post this one. sabi ko ayoko. pero dahil sa libreng brownies, 'eto na. *wink*

she is a 24-year old copywriter. he is an architect. they met and became lovers in college. they broke up last year but remained to be "friends." they send sweet text messages and he calls her often to make sure she's okay. they still date. they still have sex. they don't see anyone else. it is obvious that they still love each other but when asked about their situation, she doesn't know the real score. even her friends are in the dark. "parang sila, pero hindi."

she works in a telecom. he is reviewing for the board. they are in the same barkada. they talk on the phone till 4 am. he gives her chocolates, flowers and cds even when there is no occasion. their friends are suspecting something. bakit sila nagsosolo kapag may overnight inuman? why does he hold her close on the dance floor? bakit sila magkaholding hands lagi? sila kaya? "he hasn't admitted anything," she rants. "but i let him hug and kiss me. parang kami, pero hindi."

they work together in an ad agency. after office, they would watch movie, have dinner and stroll at glorietta. she gave him harry potter books for his birthday in exchange for posing as her boyfriend to make an ex jealous. they made out during the company outing in subic and never talked about it. he said "i love you" once but she wasn't sure if she heard him correctly because they were both drunk then. but one thing she is sure of is her feelings for him. she likes him. and she's assuming that with what he's doing to her and with her, he likes her, too. there's just one hitch: he has a girlfriend!

she is a 28-year-old virgin. he's a 35-year-old bachelor. both mountaineers, they became close during their climbs. after a few dates in posh restaurants, he brings her to his condo where they would make out. they have been doing this for months. she wants to believe that "sila na" but then she's not really sure about it. "we don't talk about it but it doesn't really matter," she'd tell her friends. "what's important is i am enjoying this -- whatever it is."

the "parang kayo, pero hindi" stage. others call it mu or mutual understanding. pseudo-relationships. pseudo- boyfriends. flings. almost like a relationship, but not quite. it is a phase where the persons involved are more than friends, but not quite lovers. puwedeng may verbal agreement, puwedeng wala. one or both of you may have admitted your feelings, possible ding hindi. you just let your gestures do the talking for you. walang pormal na ligawan na nangyari. hindi kayo mag-dyowa. pero sa kilos niyo, sa mga sinasabi niyo, parang kayo, pero hindi. this kind of "relationship" can happen at different stages for different reasons. it can happen after a break-up. you still love each other, and you want to be with each other but you broke up for a reason. and for reasons that you alone know, ayaw niyo na muna magkabalikan.

it can also happen before a relationship, iyong pareho kayong nakikiramdam. possible din na ayaw niyo munang mag-seryoso kaya kunwa-kunwarian lang muna. testing lang. puwede ring hindi puwedeng maging kayo kasi isa sa inyo -- usually the guy -- may ka-relasyon na. kaya habang hindi pa siya nakikipag-break doon sa girl (sabi niya makikipag-break siya soon pero di naman niya ginagawa), wala muna kayong relasyon para nga naman hindi siya nangagaliwa kasi "hindi naman kayo."

this pseudo-relationship stage, for a time, can be fun. lalo na kung naghahanap ka lang naman ng "kalaro." pero huwag ka lang mag-e-expect na may patutunguhan kayo kasi wala talagang kasiguraduhan.

so bakit ang daming nagse-settle sa ganitong set up ganoong hindi naman sigurado kung may patutunguhan?

iba't ibang dahilan. puwedeng for fun lang. puwedeng "buti na iyan kesa wala" or puwede na iyang "pantawid-gutom." meaning, habang wala pa iyong the real thing, doon muna sa kunwa-kunwarian. for those who are not in a serious relationship, they would think that pseudo-relationship is better than no relationship at all. it would be fun, if all you are after for is that "kilig" feeling.

aminado naman ako na once upon a time, may mga pseudo-relationships din ako. no commitments involved. for the simplest reason that they couldn't commit, because they were either committed to someone else, or that they weren't ready to commit. my rationalization, "okay na iyun, kesa wala." ang habol ko lang naman, iyong kilig feeling. iyong merong nagtatanong kung kumusta araw ko. iyong merong ka-cuddle sa beach outing. iyong kapag tumunog ang cellphone, mapapangiti na ako dahil alam kong galing sa kanya ang message. iyong merong laging kasama. habang wala pa ang the real thing, puwede na itong pagtiyagaan. but then i learned that although it was only a pseudo-relationship, the emotions were real. and usually, in this kind of set up, ang babae lagi ang lugi.

una, you can't ask him to commit. since it's not really a relationship, you can't demand commitment from your partner. ano ba kayo? may K ka nga ba magpasundo ng hatinggabi? you will always be uncertain about your role in his life. you can't expect him to be always there with you. and if you feel jealous of the other girls, you just have to keep it to yourself. ano ka ba niya para magselos?

pangalawa, what if you fall deeply in love with him? you can't be sure if he feels the same way. baka nag-a-assume ka lang na mahal ka rin niya. even if you are dying to tell him you love him, you can't. because you're not sure if he'll like it. baka mapahiya ka lang. this stage will always make you wonder where you are in the relationship. or if there is a relationship at all.

pangatlo, what if you become attached too much? what if you have invested all your emotions and this man hasn't? what if you remain faithful to him, not entertaining other guys, only to find out that he is seeing other girls? isa pang downside ng pseudo-relationships, it is fleeting. when a disagreement sets in, or when one of you gets cold, then that would be the end of it. unlike in a serious relationship, hindi mo alam kung saan ka lulugar sa isang pseudo-relationship. wala kang pinanghahawakan. kasi sa pseudo-relationship, there is no "us." meron lang "you and me," hindi "us."

buti sana kung pseudo-pain din lang ang mararanasan mo. kaso, hindi eh. real pain. and usually, kahit tapos na ang pseudo-relationship, hindi mo maiwasan umasang one day, may karugtong pa rin iyon. and you will be miserable, hoping to bring back what you used to have, only to find out eventually that the guy is in another pseudo-relationship with somebody else. ang hirap, ano? you agreed to this kind of set up for fun and then you'd end up hurting yourself in the process.

pero puwede naman maiwasan ang pain eh. puwede naman na hindi mo muna isipin ang future and just enjoy the feeling, without thinking of the consequences. but if you are certain that you are going to hurt yourself in the process, kailangan mo mamili. you can be happy and live the moment without worrying what would happen next. or you can stop settling with pseudo-relationships and wait for the real thing.

when i was younger and in a pseudo-relationship with an unavailable someone, a friend told me, "sige, kung ayaw mong magpapigil, bahala ka. magpakasaya ka. pero huwag kang iiyak-iyak pagkatapos, dahil tatadyakan kita."

ang bottom line lang naman, kung magpapasaya sa iyo, gawin mo. ihanda mo lang ang sarili mo sa consequence. dahil ang "parang kayo pero hindi" stage ay bihirang nagiging totoo. usually, hanggang doon lang siya ...almost, but not quite.